8 things I want you to know about betrayal and repair Is it possible for a relationship to come back from the brink after a profound breach of trust? Can we survive a betrayal and find our way back to one another? By betrayal, I mean any action—large or small—that chips away at the sense of certainty between us. Brené Brown describes trust as built on reliability and consistency over time, and in seasons of uncertainty, we long more than ever for something we can count on. "T

Couples do not need to repair every conflict in three minutes to have a lasting relationship—but learning how to come back to each other, with less delay and more kindness, can transform the way love feels over time.​ The Myth of the 3-Minute Repair Not long ago, an Instagram post stopped me mid-scroll. It claimed couples together for 30-plus years stay strong by returning to repair within three minutes of a rupture—apparently backed by research from Switzerland, Canada, and

What Imago Taught Me About Real Connection For 25 years, I was married to an active alcoholic. I spent so many nights believing that if I just found the right words, used the gentle tone, picked the perfect moment, or was the most understanding partner ever—he’d finally choose us over drinking. I tried everything. It took me a long time to understand that alcoholism is a disease. And that no amount of love, logic, or careful communication could fix it. When the marriage ended

We are at the time of the year when we review and make commitments for the next year. Taking an inventory of what you have and what you need has merit. And is often a short lived aspirational thought. Ah January! Looking back and looking forward, the very heart of the meaning of Janus: the root from which January was born. How we doin'? When I look back on this year, there are many lenses through which I gaze. The one that says: "How are we doing?" And: "What did we do?" "Wha

Talk less! Harville Hendrix says "Talking is the most dangerous thing we do in our relationships." Talking, the way we try to connect, often becomes the very thing that causes distress and rupture. When we are activated, what if we pause. When in doubt do nothing. Breathe. Notice and name what you can about You. Is there a story? Do you have an impulse to act or leave? Three ways to be curious about you in the moment could include: sensations in my body: my breath, my heart r

Shift your perspective and get more connected.

Loneliness and isolation is slowly killing people and eroding the most fundamental thing that makes us human. We are wired to be connected to one another. And when we withdraw, isolate, fail to ask for help, refuse to offer aid, we get better at being alone.

What we say is important, how we say it is paramount.

Do things to be consciously connected to each other. It's amazing how your relationship will transform.

Survival By survival, I mean our default wiring that is always scanning the horizon for cues or signals of danger. It could be as minor as an autonomic uh-oh. Or as big as hell no! We are wired for survival, as evidenced by our actual survival. Negative bias has something to do with this success. Evolution primes us to be alert, avoid potential danger, and live to see another day. Negative bias manifests when a negative or positive experience may be similar in emotional level

Surviving or Thriving What if there was a checklist of things we could do to have our DREAM relationship? Dreaming, envisioning, aspiring, these are invitations to curiosity, hope, and self-awareness. When curiosity is on board, connection is possible. Curiosity is a close cousin to safety. Relationships thrive when there is safety. When in distress we turn towards each other, especially when our partner is the cause of our stress or distress. The alternative to thriving is s

Finding the One Finding one’s true love has been the dream of lovers throughout history...The bubble of romantic love will burst and you will find yourself locked in a power struggle. But (after this workshop) now you know yourself, and...you are prepared for what is coming. From Keeping the Love Find by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt The fairy tale sometimes ends happily ever after but more frequently it just ends, before we have a chance to move from the unconsciou

Strong relationships lead to long, healthy, happy lives.

Brilliant Adaptations As adults, other people's character traits trigger us in intimate relationships Take a closer look at the characteristics that precipitate our mean-spirited response with those closest to us. Meanwhile, in other settings, we display a loving, conscious, and empathetic pattern. We respond to triggers with the traits that we most need. Defense responses develop in childhood creating a sense of safety. Adaptive behaviors are need when we are unable to fee

How Are You? Good enough! The first memorable time I heard that phrase was when my supervisor responded to my query “How are you?” I was surprised, delighted, and curious when he said, “Good enough!” with a delightful upward lilt and a chuckle. What does it mean to be good enough? Is it “okay” to not be great or superlative in some way? I grew up in a family of overachievers. Good enough would never cut the mustard! If I was not doing my best, trying the hardest, and putting

Hall of Famers At Bat John Gottman’s research tells us that 67%* of the differences between partners are unresolvable and THIS is the good news. Recently I was talking shop with my brother, whose field of work is vastly different than my own. I mentioned this fact to him and his immediate, and absolutely fabulous response was, “if I were a baseball player, I would be batting 330 and in the Baseball Hall of Fame!” He then added, “if I were a racehorse I would be among the best

As we looked back on the last year, my husband said, “we have had an amazing year, despite all of the hard things that have happened.” I looked at him blankly and said “I heard you say that we have had an amazing year, despite the hard things. And I just can’t feel the amazing stuff right now.” He responded saying: “Sure. That makes sense.” How we connect When we use the skills we learned in therapy, we find ourselves connecting, hearing, understanding, and empathizing with

Would you like to get a cup of coffee? That moment when he first walked over to me, my heart was pounding. I can still see myself all of these years later. I think I may have blushed. He leaned forward and asked if I would like to get a cup of coffee. We had known each other for more than a year, causally meeting among friends once or twice a week. We had talked about ourselves in the safety of the group, sharing intimately. I was well into my 40's and had not been on a "dat

You may have heard of the Imago relationship couples workshop: Getting the Love You Want. But did you know that there is an Imago workshop for individuals, too? All of us got to adulthood with our very own unique baggage. We have filled it along the way with the unmet needs of childhood, our lost parts, and our brilliant adaptive behaviors. And we watched our baggage play out in all our adult relationships. The problem with all our relationships is that we are the common deno

10 ingredients in the recipe of a dream relationship. What to look for in your partner and how to be your better self! It takes two to tango, baby!