8 things I want you to know about betrayal and repair Is it possible for a relationship to come back from the brink after a profound breach of trust? Can we survive a betrayal and find our way back to one another? By betrayal, I mean any action—large or small—that chips away at the sense of certainty between us. Brené Brown describes trust as built on reliability and consistency over time, and in seasons of uncertainty, we long more than ever for something we can count on. "T

Couples do not need to repair every conflict in three minutes to have a lasting relationship—but learning how to come back to each other, with less delay and more kindness, can transform the way love feels over time.​ The Myth of the 3-Minute Repair Not long ago, an Instagram post stopped me mid-scroll. It claimed couples together for 30-plus years stay strong by returning to repair within three minutes of a rupture—apparently backed by research from Switzerland, Canada, and

What Imago Taught Me About Real Connection For 25 years, I was married to an active alcoholic. I spent so many nights believing that if I just found the right words, used the gentle tone, picked the perfect moment, or was the most understanding partner ever—he’d finally choose us over drinking. I tried everything. It took me a long time to understand that alcoholism is a disease. And that no amount of love, logic, or careful communication could fix it. When the marriage ended

We are at the time of the year when we review and make commitments for the next year. Taking an inventory of what you have and what you need has merit. And is often a short lived aspirational thought. Ah January! Looking back and looking forward, the very heart of the meaning of Janus: the root from which January was born. How we doin'? When I look back on this year, there are many lenses through which I gaze. The one that says: "How are we doing?" And: "What did we do?" "Wha

I don't know about you, but I feel the time between Thanksgiving and the New Year is complicated. A friend of mine refers to this time of the year as the holler-daze! So, what should a relational peep do when so much fills the space between us?! Holidays, family time, geo-politics – all these create a recipe for dysfunction, disconnection, and doubling down on generational dynamics that serve us in limited survival ways. Surviving is brilliant; thriving is even better. More A

Talk less! Harville Hendrix says "Talking is the most dangerous thing we do in our relationships." Talking, the way we try to connect, often becomes the very thing that causes distress and rupture. When we are activated, what if we pause. When in doubt do nothing. Breathe. Notice and name what you can about You. Is there a story? Do you have an impulse to act or leave? Three ways to be curious about you in the moment could include: sensations in my body: my breath, my heart r

Shift your perspective and get more connected.

Guidelines for Joining In contemporary digital interactions, explicit guidelines often accompany our participation in listservs and...

Social connection has healing effects In 2023, the surgeon general declared loneliness and isolation an epidemic in America. Feelings of...

Relationship cycle Early in a relationship we feel all of the chemical flush of serotonin and dopamine that draws us together. When this...

Survival By survival, I mean our default wiring that is always scanning the horizon for cues or signals of danger. It could be as minor...

Loneliness and isolation is slowly killing people and eroding the most fundamental thing that makes us human. We are wired to be connected to one another. And when we withdraw, isolate, fail to ask for help, refuse to offer aid, we get better at being alone.

What we say is important, how we say it is paramount.

Replace New Year's resolutions with aspirations, dreams and self-compassion.

Do things to be consciously connected to each other. It's amazing how your relationship will transform.

Survival By survival, I mean our default wiring that is always scanning the horizon for cues or signals of danger. It could be as minor as an autonomic uh-oh. Or as big as hell no! We are wired for survival, as evidenced by our actual survival. Negative bias has something to do with this success. Evolution primes us to be alert, avoid potential danger, and live to see another day. Negative bias manifests when a negative or positive experience may be similar in emotional level

Surviving or Thriving What if there was a checklist of things we could do to have our DREAM relationship? Dreaming, envisioning, aspiring, these are invitations to curiosity, hope, and self-awareness. When curiosity is on board, connection is possible. Curiosity is a close cousin to safety. Relationships thrive when there is safety. When in distress we turn towards each other, especially when our partner is the cause of our stress or distress. The alternative to thriving is s