Would you like to get a cup of coffee? That moment when he first walked over to me, my heart was pounding. I can still see myself all of...

Would you like to get a cup of coffee? That moment when he first walked over to me, my heart was pounding. I can still see myself all of these years later. I think I may have blushed. He leaned forward and asked if I would like to get a cup of coffee. We had known each other for more than a year, causally meeting among friends once or twice a week. We had talked about ourselves in the safety of the group, sharing intimately. I was well into my 40's and had not been on a "dat

I imagine today’s generation of young people being asked this question by their children in the next generation. This is a historic moment, one that will be a point of demarcation, like the race riots of the 60’s, the assassinations of pivotal men, the Great Depression, and the 2008 Recession. We will look back and report what it was like as seen through the lens of time and storytelling. And when we do, what will the stories be? Stories of loss Will we tell the stories of li

You may have heard of the Imago relationship couples workshop: Getting the Love You Want. But did you know that there is an Imago workshop for individuals, too? All of us got to adulthood with our very own unique baggage. We have filled it along the way with the unmet needs of childhood, our lost parts, and our brilliant adaptive behaviors. And we watched our baggage play out in all our adult relationships. The problem with all our relationships is that we are the common deno

What I really want in a partner… I keep reading articles about relationship red flags to look for in your partner. There are lists of...

10 ingredients in the recipe of a dream relationship. What to look for in your partner and how to be your better self! It takes two to tango, baby!

All my survival instincts are on high alert and every possible transgression, thoughtless action or selfish choice kicks me into a level of outrage that is scaring me. To be clear, my perspective is that people are transgressing thoughtlessly and selfishly. And my fear is fanning the flames of judgment and righteousness. The more my lizard brain detects danger, the more I dig in on my survival. Expressing empathy feels particularly hard right now. What’s really happening: The

Is there a pattern here? “When was the last time you two had sex and was it satisfying?” Couples coming to me for the first time will be asked this question. I usually tell them that some therapists say that “if you fix the sex, the rest will follow,” and others say: “if you fix the (fill in the blank…communication, conflict resolution, intimacy, etc.) the sex will follow.” I say it doesn’t matter whether you start with sex or communication, the patterns that hinder connectio

Having a consciously connected relationship means it is okay to disagree, it is possible to fight fairly, and our differences are welcomed.

Somehow we are wired to be in relationship with other people. And yet it is the most challenging that we do. People in relationships live in constant connection with another human being in a conditional way based on how we each treat the other. We unconsciously select this other person, hoping that we will finally get all of the unmet needs of our childhood made whole. Sadly, criticism is right around the corner. In the beginning When the relationship starts, our partner loo

Connection is the skill most couples really need to learn.

A new year, baby! I love when I first realized that I could start over whenever I want. I don't have to wait for a new year to have a new beginning. My new beginnings are not limited to culturally dictated calendar cycles. As a young person, my year began in September. As a homeschooling parent the year began with our "annual fort-building season." When I was in the business world, I was on a fiscal calendar that varied from company to company. Liturgically speaking, Advent w

GIVING AND RECEIVING It is very difficult for me to give freely without expectations and strings attached when my hands are clenched tightly to you or to a belief I have about you. Giving and receiving is on my mind this year. I am keenly aware of the seduction and ease with which giving becomes the way to connect to the people we love, those we admire, or the ones from who we seek acknowledgment and recognition. Giving as an act of caring, anticipating, offering, and hoping

Conscious Connection Back in September, I made a decision to start a practice of intentionally exploring my conscious connection to my husband. I was trying to walk the talk of what I tell my clients. I did this by starting each day with a prompt that gave me an opportunity to think about and then articulate or act on it in some way. Mostly for me, this meant that I drafted a post for my Instagram and then I wrote what came up for me in both the most intimate ways with my hus

Can You Give Me what I need? Being in a committed long-term relationship is the hardest thing we do. Individuals in a relationship boil down into two distinct categories. You can call them Pursuers and Withdrawers, Minimizers/Maximizers or the-one-who-is-eternally-Disappointed and the-one-who-lives-in-fear-of-eternally-Disappointing. It all boils down to the same fears: “I am never going to be enough for you and you are never going to give me what I truly need.” What is at th

Mentality {(Need for Romance + Security) > (Fear of Rejection)100} -Memory {(Declaring Love led to Intimacy last time) ÷ (That relationship ended badly)3} × Anxiety (Will she/he reciprocate?)10 √ {(Is this bad timing?) +Intuition (I’m getting a good vide.)} × (Courage + Nerve ± Recklessness) = “I love you.”* What does it mean to you when you say, “I love you”? What story do you make up when your partner says “I love you” to you? The “I love you” threshold comes at different p

Interactions with other people wire the brain for resilience. This dharma talk parable illustrates how interactions can be positively and negatively encoded in the brain. A seven-year-old boy and his family are having dinner at a local restaurant. The waitress, addressing the boy, asks “What would you like, hon?” And the boy cheerfully answers: “I would like a hotdog with fren…” when his mother interrupts and says: “No, no. You want the meatloaf with mashed potatoes and gree