Couples do not need to repair every conflict in three minutes to have a lasting relationship—but learning how to come back to each other, with less delay and more kindness, can transform the way love feels over time.​ The Myth of the 3-Minute Repair Not long ago, an Instagram post stopped me mid-scroll. It claimed couples together for 30-plus years stay strong by returning to repair within three minutes of a rupture—apparently backed by research from Switzerland, Canada, and

I don't know about you, but I feel the time between Thanksgiving and the New Year is complicated. A friend of mine refers to this time of the year as the holler-daze! So, what should a relational peep do when so much fills the space between us?! Holidays, family time, geo-politics – all these create a recipe for dysfunction, disconnection, and doubling down on generational dynamics that serve us in limited survival ways. Surviving is brilliant; thriving is even better. More A

Talk less! Harville Hendrix says "Talking is the most dangerous thing we do in our relationships." Talking, the way we try to connect, often becomes the very thing that causes distress and rupture. When we are activated, what if we pause. When in doubt do nothing. Breathe. Notice and name what you can about You. Is there a story? Do you have an impulse to act or leave? Three ways to be curious about you in the moment could include: sensations in my body: my breath, my heart r

What we say is important, how we say it is paramount.

I imagine, we all know the difference between a genuine warm welcome and a half-hearted, reluctant gesture that is meant to pass for welcoming. We know this deeply in our nervous systems, well before our brains assign meaning to the feelings that arise from a lack of genuine engagement. Our amazing and brilliant survival system is generally excellent at gathering data and sorting it into safe or not-safe buckets. It knows the difference between warm and welcoming and fake hos

Would you like to get a cup of coffee? That moment when he first walked over to me, my heart was pounding. I can still see myself all of these years later. I think I may have blushed. He leaned forward and asked if I would like to get a cup of coffee. We had known each other for more than a year, causally meeting among friends once or twice a week. We had talked about ourselves in the safety of the group, sharing intimately. I was well into my 40's and had not been on a "dat

All my survival instincts are on high alert and every possible transgression, thoughtless action or selfish choice kicks me into a level of outrage that is scaring me. To be clear, my perspective is that people are transgressing thoughtlessly and selfishly. And my fear is fanning the flames of judgment and righteousness. The more my lizard brain detects danger, the more I dig in on my survival. Expressing empathy feels particularly hard right now. What’s really happening: The

Is there a pattern here? “When was the last time you two had sex and was it satisfying?” Couples coming to me for the first time will be asked this question. I usually tell them that some therapists say that “if you fix the sex, the rest will follow,” and others say: “if you fix the (fill in the blank…communication, conflict resolution, intimacy, etc.) the sex will follow.” I say it doesn’t matter whether you start with sex or communication, the patterns that hinder connectio

Connection is the skill most couples really need to learn.

Can You Give Me what I need? Being in a committed long-term relationship is the hardest thing we do. Individuals in a relationship boil down into two distinct categories. You can call them Pursuers and Withdrawers, Minimizers/Maximizers or the-one-who-is-eternally-Disappointed and the-one-who-lives-in-fear-of-eternally-Disappointing. It all boils down to the same fears: “I am never going to be enough for you and you are never going to give me what I truly need.” What is at th

Mentality {(Need for Romance + Security) > (Fear of Rejection)100} -Memory {(Declaring Love led to Intimacy last time) ÷ (That relationship ended badly)3} × Anxiety (Will she/he reciprocate?)10 √ {(Is this bad timing?) +Intuition (I’m getting a good vide.)} × (Courage + Nerve ± Recklessness) = “I love you.”* What does it mean to you when you say, “I love you”? What story do you make up when your partner says “I love you” to you? The “I love you” threshold comes at different p

“Do as I say not as I do.” Children mirror parents and peers, fans mimic favorite celebrities, and art imitates life. We know that people learn by watching others. Actions really do speak louder than words. 100’s of billions of neurons make up the brain. Neurons connect with other neurons in what we call brain activity. Among the neurons in the front of the brain, there are “motor command neurons,” which fire when a person performs an explicit action. Reach for an object, ne

Socializing is always a hot topic, today even more so. The way that our earliest caregivers communicate the outside world plays a significant role in our initial formation of how to listen, express empathy and navigate relationships. Group therapy offers a unique opportunity to practice unfamiliar behaviors and get feedback on how it feels to give and receive in relation to others. Our earliest experiences are filled with needs: hunger, warmth, safety, and rest. A lack of co

The roles we play in our family are familiar and indelible. You know what role you assumed; your birth order may well have played a part in the familial roles you adopted. Roles serve to stabilize or defend against flaws in the family. Returning home for the holidays, adult kids slip back into old roles, despite the familiarity of being the family clown is not required in life outside the family. Family and group roles include the caretaker/peacemaker, the scapegoat/black she

Tender touching is one way that we demonstrate affection towards another person. When you tenderly smooth back your partner’s hair, squeeze his shoulder as you join him on the sofa, massage her feet at the end of a workday, and hold hands walking down the street you are offering security, comfort, connection and loving awareness to each other. Intentional tenderness fosters safety and emotional stability that supports the foundation of your intimacy, reinforcing the message

Fundamental to the human condition is the desire to help others when they are in trouble. People struggling with interpersonal relations, overwhelming life events, ongoing negative circumstances or self-concept tend to focus on their own difficulties and hesitate to reach out to help those in need. Group therapy offers the members opportunities to provide assistance and insight to one another. Effective facilitators pay attention to altruistic moves on the part of members, ce

Clients may enter group therapy with the preconceived idea that they are alone with their problems and that others do not share similar difficulties. While this is true to some extent, the disconfirmation of their uniqueness may be a powerful sense of relief. That is, clients learn that they are universally similar to one another. It is assumed as clients begin to share and learn about each other’s’ similarities, they will become more trusting and open with each other. As gro

The inevitable exchange of information in a group setting helps members get from one day to the next. Twelve Step groups focus on the "One Day At A Time" approach to facing personal hurdles. Group members share behaviors that make it possible to stay in the present. Psychoeducational groups offer members the opportunity to reflect on what they have learned and at the same time apply that learning within the group setting. The information shared is personal and tends to be ex

Recently, I came across a piece by Kovie Biakolo entitled Why Hope Matters on one of my favorite inspirational sites, Thought Catalog. Kovie says, "...that is where hope comes in – believing that though I don’t know the answers, that they do exist and that whatever happens, though I don’t know the reasons, happens for ultimately, the greater good." Hope is vital to the process of growing, healing, and developing a generative approach to life. Generativity is possible as one

The Imago Center's Hayley Hoffman will be leading three new Women's Groups beginning this fall. Women in The Second Chapter of Life Women who identify as any or all of the following may be interested in a psychodynamic group therapy experience: 20-something to 40-something, curious about how you got here and who you are in this moment of your life, willing to explore the emotions, behaviors and patterns that keep you stuck, prepared to peel back “layers of the onion” to bet