8 things I want you to know about betrayal and repair Is it possible for a relationship to come back from the brink after a profound breach of trust? Can we survive a betrayal and find our way back to one another? By betrayal, I mean any action—large or small—that chips away at the sense of certainty between us. Brené Brown describes trust as built on reliability and consistency over time, and in seasons of uncertainty, we long more than ever for something we can count on. "T

Couples do not need to repair every conflict in three minutes to have a lasting relationship—but learning how to come back to each other, with less delay and more kindness, can transform the way love feels over time.​ The Myth of the 3-Minute Repair Not long ago, an Instagram post stopped me mid-scroll. It claimed couples together for 30-plus years stay strong by returning to repair within three minutes of a rupture—apparently backed by research from Switzerland, Canada, and

What Imago Taught Me About Real Connection For 25 years, I was married to an active alcoholic. I spent so many nights believing that if I just found the right words, used the gentle tone, picked the perfect moment, or was the most understanding partner ever—he’d finally choose us over drinking. I tried everything. It took me a long time to understand that alcoholism is a disease. And that no amount of love, logic, or careful communication could fix it. When the marriage ended

Talk less! Harville Hendrix says "Talking is the most dangerous thing we do in our relationships." Talking, the way we try to connect, often becomes the very thing that causes distress and rupture. When we are activated, what if we pause. When in doubt do nothing. Breathe. Notice and name what you can about You. Is there a story? Do you have an impulse to act or leave? Three ways to be curious about you in the moment could include: sensations in my body: my breath, my heart r

Shift your perspective and get more connected.

What we say is important, how we say it is paramount.

Do things to be consciously connected to each other. It's amazing how your relationship will transform.

Surviving or Thriving What if there was a checklist of things we could do to have our DREAM relationship? Dreaming, envisioning, aspiring, these are invitations to curiosity, hope, and self-awareness. When curiosity is on board, connection is possible. Curiosity is a close cousin to safety. Relationships thrive when there is safety. When in distress we turn towards each other, especially when our partner is the cause of our stress or distress. The alternative to thriving is s

Hall of Famers At Bat John Gottman’s research tells us that 67%* of the differences between partners are unresolvable and THIS is the good news. Recently I was talking shop with my brother, whose field of work is vastly different than my own. I mentioned this fact to him and his immediate, and absolutely fabulous response was, “if I were a baseball player, I would be batting 330 and in the Baseball Hall of Fame!” He then added, “if I were a racehorse I would be among the best

As we looked back on the last year, my husband said, “we have had an amazing year, despite all of the hard things that have happened.” I looked at him blankly and said “I heard you say that we have had an amazing year, despite the hard things. And I just can’t feel the amazing stuff right now.” He responded saying: “Sure. That makes sense.” How we connect When we use the skills we learned in therapy, we find ourselves connecting, hearing, understanding, and empathizing with

Would you like to get a cup of coffee? That moment when he first walked over to me, my heart was pounding. I can still see myself all of these years later. I think I may have blushed. He leaned forward and asked if I would like to get a cup of coffee. We had known each other for more than a year, causally meeting among friends once or twice a week. We had talked about ourselves in the safety of the group, sharing intimately. I was well into my 40's and had not been on a "dat

10 ingredients in the recipe of a dream relationship. What to look for in your partner and how to be your better self! It takes two to tango, baby!

All my survival instincts are on high alert and every possible transgression, thoughtless action or selfish choice kicks me into a level of outrage that is scaring me. To be clear, my perspective is that people are transgressing thoughtlessly and selfishly. And my fear is fanning the flames of judgment and righteousness. The more my lizard brain detects danger, the more I dig in on my survival. Expressing empathy feels particularly hard right now. What’s really happening: The

Is there a pattern here? “When was the last time you two had sex and was it satisfying?” Couples coming to me for the first time will be asked this question. I usually tell them that some therapists say that “if you fix the sex, the rest will follow,” and others say: “if you fix the (fill in the blank…communication, conflict resolution, intimacy, etc.) the sex will follow.” I say it doesn’t matter whether you start with sex or communication, the patterns that hinder connectio

Having a consciously connected relationship means it is okay to disagree, it is possible to fight fairly, and our differences are welcomed.

Somehow we are wired to be in relationship with other people. And yet it is the most challenging that we do. People in relationships live in constant connection with another human being in a conditional way based on how we each treat the other. We unconsciously select this other person, hoping that we will finally get all of the unmet needs of our childhood made whole. Sadly, criticism is right around the corner. In the beginning When the relationship starts, our partner loo

Connection is the skill most couples really need to learn.

A new year, baby! I love when I first realized that I could start over whenever I want. I don't have to wait for a new year to have a new beginning. My new beginnings are not limited to culturally dictated calendar cycles. As a young person, my year began in September. As a homeschooling parent the year began with our "annual fort-building season." When I was in the business world, I was on a fiscal calendar that varied from company to company. Liturgically speaking, Advent w

GIVING AND RECEIVING It is very difficult for me to give freely without expectations and strings attached when my hands are clenched tightly to you or to a belief I have about you. Giving and receiving is on my mind this year. I am keenly aware of the seduction and ease with which giving becomes the way to connect to the people we love, those we admire, or the ones from who we seek acknowledgment and recognition. Giving as an act of caring, anticipating, offering, and hoping

Conscious Connection Back in September, I made a decision to start a practice of intentionally exploring my conscious connection to my husband. I was trying to walk the talk of what I tell my clients. I did this by starting each day with a prompt that gave me an opportunity to think about and then articulate or act on it in some way. Mostly for me, this meant that I drafted a post for my Instagram and then I wrote what came up for me in both the most intimate ways with my hus