Couples do not need to repair every conflict in three minutes to have a lasting relationship—but learning how to come back to each other, with less delay and more kindness, can transform the way love feels over time.​ The Myth of the 3-Minute Repair Not long ago, an Instagram post stopped me mid-scroll. It claimed couples together for 30-plus years stay strong by returning to repair within three minutes of a rupture—apparently backed by research from Switzerland, Canada, and

Replace New Year's resolutions with aspirations, dreams and self-compassion.

Survival By survival, I mean our default wiring that is always scanning the horizon for cues or signals of danger. It could be as minor as an autonomic uh-oh. Or as big as hell no! We are wired for survival, as evidenced by our actual survival. Negative bias has something to do with this success. Evolution primes us to be alert, avoid potential danger, and live to see another day. Negative bias manifests when a negative or positive experience may be similar in emotional level

Brilliant Adaptations As adults, other people's character traits trigger us in intimate relationships Take a closer look at the characteristics that precipitate our mean-spirited response with those closest to us. Meanwhile, in other settings, we display a loving, conscious, and empathetic pattern. We respond to triggers with the traits that we most need. Defense responses develop in childhood creating a sense of safety. Adaptive behaviors are need when we are unable to fee

How Are You? Good enough! The first memorable time I heard that phrase was when my supervisor responded to my query “How are you?” I was surprised, delighted, and curious when he said, “Good enough!” with a delightful upward lilt and a chuckle. What does it mean to be good enough? Is it “okay” to not be great or superlative in some way? I grew up in a family of overachievers. Good enough would never cut the mustard! If I was not doing my best, trying the hardest, and putting

Desperate Times Just when we thought it was safe enough to live again, all of our hope, optimism, and relief were rudely yanked away. Just like that, we are back to living in the reality that there is little we can know with certainty regarding what will happen next in this time of pandemic-monium. In the last eighteen months, I have done many things to calm my inner YIKES. There have been podcasts, neurobiological training, and endless meetings with friends, family, and cli

Would you like to get a cup of coffee? That moment when he first walked over to me, my heart was pounding. I can still see myself all of these years later. I think I may have blushed. He leaned forward and asked if I would like to get a cup of coffee. We had known each other for more than a year, causally meeting among friends once or twice a week. We had talked about ourselves in the safety of the group, sharing intimately. I was well into my 40's and had not been on a "dat

Is there a pattern here? “When was the last time you two had sex and was it satisfying?” Couples coming to me for the first time will be asked this question. I usually tell them that some therapists say that “if you fix the sex, the rest will follow,” and others say: “if you fix the (fill in the blank…communication, conflict resolution, intimacy, etc.) the sex will follow.” I say it doesn’t matter whether you start with sex or communication, the patterns that hinder connectio

Connection is the skill most couples really need to learn.

A new year, baby! I love when I first realized that I could start over whenever I want. I don't have to wait for a new year to have a new beginning. My new beginnings are not limited to culturally dictated calendar cycles. As a young person, my year began in September. As a homeschooling parent the year began with our "annual fort-building season." When I was in the business world, I was on a fiscal calendar that varied from company to company. Liturgically speaking, Advent w

Can You Give Me what I need? Being in a committed long-term relationship is the hardest thing we do. Individuals in a relationship boil down into two distinct categories. You can call them Pursuers and Withdrawers, Minimizers/Maximizers or the-one-who-is-eternally-Disappointed and the-one-who-lives-in-fear-of-eternally-Disappointing. It all boils down to the same fears: “I am never going to be enough for you and you are never going to give me what I truly need.” What is at th

Mentality {(Need for Romance + Security) > (Fear of Rejection)100} -Memory {(Declaring Love led to Intimacy last time) ÷ (That relationship ended badly)3} × Anxiety (Will she/he reciprocate?)10 √ {(Is this bad timing?) +Intuition (I’m getting a good vide.)} × (Courage + Nerve ± Recklessness) = “I love you.”* What does it mean to you when you say, “I love you”? What story do you make up when your partner says “I love you” to you? The “I love you” threshold comes at different p

Interactions with other people wire the brain for resilience. This dharma talk parable illustrates how interactions can be positively and negatively encoded in the brain. A seven-year-old boy and his family are having dinner at a local restaurant. The waitress, addressing the boy, asks “What would you like, hon?” And the boy cheerfully answers: “I would like a hotdog with fren…” when his mother interrupts and says: “No, no. You want the meatloaf with mashed potatoes and gree

“Do as I say not as I do.” Children mirror parents and peers, fans mimic favorite celebrities, and art imitates life. We know that people learn by watching others. Actions really do speak louder than words. 100’s of billions of neurons make up the brain. Neurons connect with other neurons in what we call brain activity. Among the neurons in the front of the brain, there are “motor command neurons,” which fire when a person performs an explicit action. Reach for an object, ne

Socializing is always a hot topic, today even more so. The way that our earliest caregivers communicate the outside world plays a significant role in our initial formation of how to listen, express empathy and navigate relationships. Group therapy offers a unique opportunity to practice unfamiliar behaviors and get feedback on how it feels to give and receive in relation to others. Our earliest experiences are filled with needs: hunger, warmth, safety, and rest. A lack of co

The roles we play in our family are familiar and indelible. You know what role you assumed; your birth order may well have played a part in the familial roles you adopted. Roles serve to stabilize or defend against flaws in the family. Returning home for the holidays, adult kids slip back into old roles, despite the familiarity of being the family clown is not required in life outside the family. Family and group roles include the caretaker/peacemaker, the scapegoat/black she

Fundamental to the human condition is the desire to help others when they are in trouble. People struggling with interpersonal relations, overwhelming life events, ongoing negative circumstances or self-concept tend to focus on their own difficulties and hesitate to reach out to help those in need. Group therapy offers the members opportunities to provide assistance and insight to one another. Effective facilitators pay attention to altruistic moves on the part of members, ce

Clients may enter group therapy with the preconceived idea that they are alone with their problems and that others do not share similar difficulties. While this is true to some extent, the disconfirmation of their uniqueness may be a powerful sense of relief. That is, clients learn that they are universally similar to one another. It is assumed as clients begin to share and learn about each other’s’ similarities, they will become more trusting and open with each other. As gro

The inevitable exchange of information in a group setting helps members get from one day to the next. Twelve Step groups focus on the "One Day At A Time" approach to facing personal hurdles. Group members share behaviors that make it possible to stay in the present. Psychoeducational groups offer members the opportunity to reflect on what they have learned and at the same time apply that learning within the group setting. The information shared is personal and tends to be ex

Recently, I came across a piece by Kovie Biakolo entitled Why Hope Matters on one of my favorite inspirational sites, Thought Catalog. Kovie says, "...that is where hope comes in – believing that though I don’t know the answers, that they do exist and that whatever happens, though I don’t know the reasons, happens for ultimately, the greater good." Hope is vital to the process of growing, healing, and developing a generative approach to life. Generativity is possible as one